Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
