i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
