wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I can't put those talents on a resume
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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