using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
