smell my finger.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
