I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
