if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
