STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
