I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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