dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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