maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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