saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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