lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
