If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
