so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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