last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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