Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
