Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
