Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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