last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
