Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
