She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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