so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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