i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
