So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
