I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
