Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
