In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
