there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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