when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
