I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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