Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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