mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
