Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
