Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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