I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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