my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
