My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
The best revenge is premature balding
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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