Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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