I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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