I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just gargled with NyQuil
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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