I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
