I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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