Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
