My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
