Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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