The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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