so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i drank out of a bidet.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
