Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
