We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
