Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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